Im running now, Climbing over hurdles, I feel your shadow coming down As the vultures slowly circle, The cold water as I sink The walls start to close in We … Continue reading Im running now
The depth of despair,
Is second to this,
Only ideas of where I belong,
This feels like a fucking mess
“Pages only turn when I need a new chapter”
Back to the world, fuck em all was the war cry, Now we see the world differently through tired eyes, We open books like we once opened fresh beers, Were … Continue reading Tired Eyes
Facing self-doubt even though you know its irrational and only temporary battle is a battle I fight a lot.
Hey old Girl,
Well figured I should write to you as the last way you spoke to me was via letter which by the way is still fuckin hard to read, haha.
I suppose I’ll return that and a few more moments via this letter…
Well, you’ve been gone from this world (as you would put it) for nearly 7 months, I just had to check as I wrote that, also as you would say, it’s flown by boy. I was unaware that it had gone that fast.
Well, I suppose I had the last laugh as your executor, and we got rid of a heap of your shit haha, told you I’d get rid of it sooner or later, and you left me with the final say there, which I’m sure you planned anyway…
We looked after your friends and neighbours best we could, and we know you would’ve liked that. After we were finished the housing department painted your house, because as many times as I told you not to smoke inside I’m sure you did it six-fold. Anyway, that’s all sorted and you need not worry, Jess soldiered through with the cleaning whilst me n Zac cleared furniture and clothes (there was a lot of fuckin clothes)
Now I wrote the ol man last month so I suppose I better do the same to you and talk about some real shit.
I don’t know where to start with you, ha-ha, as bad as that sounds, I could try and remember the happy times, or could try and remember the bad and extract the lessons we learned from em. I’m not sure so let me ramble and you take what you want from it.
You single handedly instilled a strange normal, not just in me, but the others as well, a normal that would haunt some of us as we grew up and realised we weren’t the same, and a normal that would be the easy choice for the others, and then of course we had the luxury of chopping and choosing as we pleased as the years went on, to help explain anything that was going on.
I have never understood family the way people on TV do, nor even the way some of my friends growing up did, that was because our normal wasn’t that way, we had the sort of chaos that feels normal in a cyclone, Xmas was never a happy time, if it was it was only for a few hours before the adults started drinking, Easter, birthdays all the same.
You showed us that there was good for taking bad people in and that not everyone was how they acted, something that would visit me many times over the years. You also showed me how to burn bridges once received what we needed, you then showed me the subtle art of rebuilding bridges and convincing the same people on the other side that it was their fault and should help, these are skills I have never lost.
You taught me to hit first and hit hard, and never enter conflict that you won’t take to the fullest, you showed me what true grit was and that you can live off fuck all and get ya mum a bottle of Beam, you showed me resilience against that which attacks you, and to forgive profusely after a big night drinking for those you have hurt.
You taught me to find connections in people and the universe, and calm in a storm, you taught me that we only have a small part on this timeline, and there is something after if you believe.
You taught me that after your death even though sometimes I avoided you I had far more to say to you and for this I can make no apologies. You also taught me that you knew everything I had to say anyway, something you proved many times over when you’d hear something in my voice, asks what’s wrong and I’d say nothing, to which you’d reply with I know my boy.
You taught me that escaping reality wasn’t always a way out, and that there was solace in being high on a couch thinking about your life.
You taught me that you could blame everyone and get nowhere, and then turn around as if you were not doing that and say I could do whatever I put my mind too, I still haven’t figured out how we were different and what you seen different to me, after all you taught me too look at everyone the same, regardless of money or race, again it seems you preached this but never did it for yourself.
I firmly believed I inherited my ability to talk to anyone from anywhere from you, you had an interesting confidence about you, not so much cocky as it was hard, almost as if you had no fear from anyone being able to hurt you if it come to the most primal point, something I also have carried with me from an early age.
You taught me that power and strength meant success, and violence was purely a tool in someones arsenal, and I reckon over the years that was about 50/50 for you, there was no woman or man, that I figured you step back from, as if the pain filled a void or made you feel normal the next day. I have seen you knock out women and chase men, threaten elderly and offer the kids some firm discipline.
There however are three things you did better than anyone in my opinion,
Firstly, you had the most random fucking assortment of friends you could ever fill a room with from bank managers to 1%er’s, you taught me that everyone had good in them and most didn’t become normal until a few beers in, you took in stray friends, boyfriends, girlfriends and fresh out of jail criminals, you’d hide them from cops and their partners, and did it as if you had a duty to your fellow down and out man. You would let anyone sleep on the floor unless at some point during the night your opinion changed suddenly then they had to get the fuck out by whatever means anyone possessed and usually everyone else looked out for you so you were saved many a sore hand.
You taught me that the love for your kids whilst not always apparent was deep, I have literally had you coach me what to say to the cops and then once they left after a staunch word from you, copped a fuckin hiding. You took us in and threw us out on a whim, but you always did it when it was best, I know I could crash at yours whenever I needed, and have had many a comedown in your loungeroom. Now this isn’t to say you’re without flaws, and you managed to drag us through some fuckin shit that not many would believe, I don’t think any of us would hold it against you as we see that life is a fickle beast, but I’m sure none of us would of hated a bit more Brady bunch in our years.
Thirdly you taught me about emotion, not even that broadly I suppose, you taught me about the extremes, you showed me your bottom frequently however one that stuck with me was circa 1997 early on a mid-weekday morning in your car when you were going to kill yourself and I wouldn’t get out of the car, again this felt normal?
You taught me that sometimes you need to stay in bed for 3 days and sleep and cry, and that being moody was a trait. The flipside however was to let motherfuckers know when you were feeling good, have a drink a bbq and enjoy a laugh, and to while they were rolling let the good times do their thing, you literally embodied what was later coined the “it’s future Ricky’s problem” way of thinking for me. You showed me that good friends and a few beers can easily turn into a hundred beers, 10 bongs and 3 days awake, again something that would carry throughout my life.
We seen your bad times, everyone that’s reading this that knew you seen the bad, but I’m certain a lot of them seen an unparalleled good, we just never got to figure out how to keep that going longer for you, I suppose in all realness who the fuck has that part of life figured out anyway?
You did a lot for me old girl I’m certain I can say you did far more for me than you did the others, so for that I say thank you. You didn’t leave me without the scars of how we lived, but it’s not necessary for me to bring up because I’ve made peace in the fact you tried with grandkids, so I can rest easy on my life now I think.
You showed me some great music many of which I call ‘Mums drinking songs’ however have compiled a few tonight into ‘Whisky Drinking Music’ on my own Spotify so I guess history lets the tunes stay on repeat when they’re needed..
Oh, I inherited your partying ability as well, that I’m certain everyone I know from my old days will agree with.
And fuckin hell if I don’t read back through all the things I said about you and see a lot of myself, I suppose I just pretend my life these days is better than it was back then, even though it feels we are very much the same person ha-ha.
I don’t resent you leaving for even though you weren’t even 60 you had lived a hard fuckin life, It was almost soothing knowing you weren’t in pain anymore, and as selfish as that seems it took a weight off my mind.
So for now old girl as I refill my drink with a bit of Creedence on I say catch ya
and no doubt I’ll write ya soon to accompany the shit I talk to you about in my head.
Love ya. x